How to judge a man by his coffee* by Maggie Nemser, Shine staff
I’ve heard that a guy’s relationship with his mother is legitimately judge-able, but what about his choice of coffee? I hadn't considered that variable until my phone rang three times last night. It was my friend Julie, who was dying to share an epiphany that will revolutionize dating as we know it: "Hot guys drink Americanos (hot water + espresso),” she proudly announced, sounding like she’d suddenly solved for y after failing math 101.
I wasn't convinced. I mean, can't a confident man have his latte and drink it too? But I know better than to second-guess Julie, who has scary insight on the male psyche. I started to ponder the boys I know and their coffee choices and it all started to come together. Doesn’t it make sense that a soy iced latte drinker would be self-involved, precise when it comes to his likes and dislikes and make a good lover?
Based on Julie’s not-so-scientific research (her observation tower was the Starbucks in Santa Monica on Main Street) and my own experience with caffeinated dudes, here’s a little field guide to boys and beans:
Cafe Americano - 100% stud. Hot, often a bit scruffy. Can change your tire with one hand and eyes closed.
Caramel macchiato - He'll take you to the Hamptons and spend two hours getting ready to go to the beach.
Café Au Lait - He’s fresh off the boat from Europe. We do lattes here, monsieur.
Coffee of the Week - You'd be hard pressed to get this guy to have an opinion.
Decaf Coffee of the Week - He probably wears a helmet and seatbelt to bed—sexy!
Iced Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte - Sheesh, we ladies have enough to worry about with our own body issues—who needs this?
Decaf Iced Sugar-Free Syrup Flavored Latte - Holy cow—chill out! This dude might need some anti-anxiety medication, if he doesn’t already have a prescription.
Julie had to stop researching after her third frappuccino, so let me know if you can fill in the blanks with your own experience—like what kind of guys choose chai?
